There's a Troll Under My Bridge: 3 steps to dealing with criticism

It happened, AGAIN!

It happens to me from time to time, but as my kids get older, it's beginning to happen to them as well. 

 

"Well, don't your friends go to school? 

 Do YOU think you'd like to go to school with your friends?"

Generally speaking, my family has a good deal of support for our decision to homeschool.

But on occasion, we have to contend with TROLLS.

You know, like the TROLL on Dora the Explorer.  They think they hold the key to everything. 

They feel the need to ask questions and if you answer correctly, as determined by them,

you may pass over the bridge they do not own but over which they have established themselves guard.

These trolls have the ability to contort their faces in such a way that  it stirs up crazy thoughts and emotions in those poor souls, the target of their full frontal facial assault.

Like this.

And UGH!  The condescending, falsely empathetic (for the poor child to be so wrongly and needlessly subjected to homeschooling), smug, condensed anti-homeschool, anti-social, misguided parent harangue. 

So concentrated.  So potent.

They can convey it all in 20 words or less.

No top hat.  No purple velvet.

Just the look and a

"Do you think you'll always homeschool? 

Or do you think someday they might go to school with their friends?"

So.  Thank goodness it's September.  I hit the Dunkin Donuts drive thru for a Pumpkin coffee.

(I've been anticipating for months)

I granted myself permission to be a little SNARKY. 

 (I've met me.  I couldn't have prevented it even if I had wanted to)

And now, DEEP THOUGHTS, by Jen

1.  At least consider that your TROLL might have a point:   Stings a little, doesn't it?  But listen, this could be a gift.  If we are walking in freedom and we truly trust God with our schooling choices, we will not have a fear response to at least hearing criticism.  If we fully embrace the Gospel and the forgiveness it offers, we won't be afraid to look full in the face the possibility that we may have damaged our kids or will damage our kids if we we are not purely motivated with our schooling choice and have made or are currently making a huge mistake.  He's the Redeemer.  This ought to result in courage for us to look at truth, no matter who points it out and no matter what their motive is.  A defensive response may just reveal fear or self-righteousness.  Just keepin' it real.  Besides, shouldn't we want to know if our kid is lonely?  Socially awkward?  I mean, other than normal, middle/high school type socially awkward.  Maybe some of us are over sheltering.  Maybe our kid is more than 'healthy' weird.  Wouldn't you want to know that?  While there is still time to do something about it?

Proverbs 15:12  A scoffer does not love one who corrects him, nor will he go to the wise. AND

Proverbs 15:31-33  The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise.  He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding......And before honor is humility.

Plus:  Some people should NOT homeschool.  It's true.  Since I do homeschool, it's important for me to be honest if I am really on the list of those that should NOT be homeschooling.

2.  My TROLL either loves me, likes me, doesn't know me or can't stand me.  We should regularly be re-evaluating our relationships.  In fact, the bible instructs us to judge them.  Yes, judge.  If we are instructed to receive 'wise counsel' don't we need to be able to judge which of our friends has the ability to discern truth and dispense wise counsel?   Someone is not wise because they love me.  Someone is not unwise if they don't.  Motivation is a separate issue from truth.  In fact, someone's like or love for me can get in the way of their ability to see or say the truth.  If my counsel has a 'dog in the hunt' with regard to my homeschooling decision, um, I need to make an adjustment to the credibility rating if they don't confess it right at the start.  What if my advice giver  doesn't want me to homeschool so that I'm available for shopping and coffee with the girls until 2 pm?  That's gonna slant their advice.  What if my troll can't stand me or my kids?  What if it's because they're quietly jealous of my relationship with my kids?  The point is, check motivation before evaluating truth.  They are 2 separate issues.  Sometimes those closest people to me won't risk telling the truth out of the fear of losing the relationship.  What if someone encourages me to homeschool because they want me to think that they are a great encourager?  Good grief, what if all this talk about homeschooling really isn't about me or homeschooling?  But rather them fighting off some personal conviction of their own? 

A close, wise friend will take the log out of their own eye, then come talk to me about a speck in mine. 

"You know Jen, I've been a little jealous in the past about how close you are with your kids and was even angry because we can't afford for me not work and stay home and homeschool.  I guess I was kind of using that as an excuse for not having the time to devote to cultivating my relationship with my own kids.  But, I've taken responsibility and now I have date days with my kids and things are getting better.  Having worked through that, I still feel convicted that I'm right about your kid being a little weird and maybe he needs more friends :)"

But for goodness sake, don't discount the fact that truth can even come from Balaam's donkey.  Don't just listen to what you want to hear. 

Proverbs 21:2  Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts.

Proverbs 15:14  The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness.  AND

 Proverbs 15:21  Folly is joy to him who is destitute of discernment, but a man of understanding walks uprightly.

3.  We don't have to agree.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend.   Flattery and ear tickling is not evidence of love and friendship.  In fact, it could be evidence of an enemy.  Truth telling that hurts our feelings may feel like an enemy, when in fact, it could very well be courageous love.  Ugh!  Feelings.  Can't live with 'em, wouldn't want to live without them.  True, mature love gives the freedom to disagree.  In fact, it allows the freedom for a loved one to be deaf, daft, silly and stupid.  (Prodigal anyone?)  Maybe they care a great deal for you and your family.  And maybe they don't know how to express their concerns constructively.  And/or maybe we don't always hear the concerns of others as a constructive expression of love and we become defensive.  Or worse, we reject them because we don't like what they're saying.  The ability to live freely with one another in disagreement without threatening the safety of the relationship is a great expression of love and maturity.  If you're only friends with those that agree with you, start back at step one above.

 So, I've finished my pumpkin coffee.

And my Troll is no longer a Troll in my own mind.

This morning, an acquaintance expressed her love and concern for me and my daughter.

Clearly, she values childhood friendships.  Isn't that a wonderful thing?

She's concerned that if my daughter is not in school, that she may miss out on wonderful childhood memories and friendships.

And she wasn't afraid to express her concern.

That we could all have such friends.

She's a busy woman and has never had reason nor time to research the data on homeschool socialization success or failure. 

If she did, she would find out what I already know.

I just thanked her sincerely this morning for her love and concern for my family.

But I can't write any longer....I have to feed the kids, get to our 2 hours of community service working with about 17 elementary kids helping them with their homework and doing art together...then we're off to a playdate for about 2 hours....then it's dinner really quickly before we're off to an hour and a half of scouts with some our kid's closest friends :) 

Jen

Facebook:  Homeschooling in High Heels

Twitter:  HSinHighHeels

The imaginative/intuitive Abstract Random

Last year I read an article by Heidi St. John entitled "Fold 'em Where They're Bent."  Have you ever purchased pre-folded origami paper for your kids?  It's colored, patterned paper with fold lines and directions to help you craft some pre-determined piece of art, beautifully, and as intended.  Don't you wish your kids came that way?  We know God has gifted them with strengths and weaknesses, talents and temperaments.  They have built in Love Languages and are hardwired with personalities and are preset with  information processing centers. 
But I don't see fold lines marked "step 1:  bend here." 

Wouldn't that be nice?

My first child is like a simple origami frog.  I mostly know exactly how to bend him and exactly what it's supposed to look like.  Maybe because he's exactly like me.  An Abstract Random.

On the Myers-Briggs personality profile we are both Extroverted iNtuitive Feeler Perceivers.

(Don't worry, we'll get there.  Hang with me)

My daughter on the other hand is a Concrete/Abstract (see previous post) and opposite to me on the Myers-Briggs.  She's like my husband.  And the cherry on top is that she's also STRONG-WILLED. 

She has as many folds as the origami dragon above and her fire burns hotter.

Here's what I've figured out though.  The fire flares when you try to force a bend where she's not designed to be folded.  And that's good news.  It's like a loud, dangerous, hot WARNING that you're trying to force a fold where God didn't intend her to be bent.  God Bless the strong willed child.  You'll have to really try hard to screw them up.

Be afraid of the compliant, eager to please child who may not scream and pitch a fit if you try to mold him into something he's not intended to be.  He may 'go along' with the plan until one day he's done everything he can to please you, right college, right career, right spouse.  And one day he cracks because it's all fake.

The good news is that our kids did come with invisible fold lines.  You can learn the decipher key and prayer will help you apply it.  And goodness knows you don't have to be in this alone.  God has put people in your life to come along side you to offer you wisdom and insight into your kids.  Think now about who God has provided to be your three lifelines in this "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" game of life.  

Spouse, grandparents, church family members, friends?

Perfect is not the goal.  God honors our effort and commitment to excellently following Him.

This is the 2nd post in a 4 part series.  You can find the first here Concrete/Abstract/Sequential/Random

2/  Abstract Random (AR):  You'll recognize these folks as having a sixth sense when it comes to reading people and understanding what ISN'T spoken.  They can't always explain HOW they know (especially to a Concrete Sequential), they just know.  They value people and relationships over rules and process.  They work best in a team environment where they can intuit information off various other people.  They tend to be less structured, less organized  (inside their brain as well as closets and more loose with schedules) and will chose to meet a friend for coffee if the phone rings than follow through on the original plan of housekeeping for the day.  This usually results in a messier environment as a consequence although it is not a goal (an important distinction) 

People tend to be drawn to the spontaneous, caring nature of an AR.  They tend to be very social and because they focus more on relationship than procedure and because they are eager to please, they will bend themselves to accommodate other people and situations.  They display a natural understanding of others and meet it with a great deal of empathy and compassion. 
A Concrete Sequential will tend to die on a hill for their well thought argument, having the appearance that the argument is more important than the relationship.  Conversely, an AR will tend to lay down the finer points of an argument to avoid hurt feelings, unless it's a safety or moral issue.  This gives the appearance that they value relationship more.  An unintentional consequence can be that they appear 'weak minded' on issues and unable to stand in an argument. 

AR's tend to be fun loving, encouraging and affirming people.  In family and group dynamics, they can be the 'softeners' or 'tension breakers'.  In extreme cases, where ARness has run amuck, they can unintentionally make a CS parent look like the bad guy for insisting on order and responsibility and accountability while coveting their kid's validation of them as the fun/cool parent.

AR's tend to be motivated more by pleasing than logic.  We need to be careful with AR kids.  They may not necessarily be committed to learning for learning's sake or their benefit, but rather because they think it might please you.  Additionally, AR kids will be distracted away from the day's lessons by the 'emotional vibrations' in the room. It's hard for an AR to focus on the equation on the chalkboard when someone else in the room is sad, for example. The concretes in the room may be completely oblivious to Annie's sadness because she didn't SAY her gerbil was missing this morning.  However, the AR kid can't focus because Annie's metaphorically screaming her sadness so loudly through her pores and the occasional sniffle.  The AR kid is driven to distraction by wanting to go comfort Annie.

Be careful of having a judgemental attitude:  CS's are not insensitive because they didn't respond to Annie.  They're not cold hearted for not comforting Annie and they're not guilty of hating gerbils.  CS's simply do not speak the unspoken language.  If Annie had announced that her gerbil was missing, a CS might try to comfort them will facts about potential gerbil hiding places, average life expectancy of gerbils, the relative low cost of replacing a gerbil as well as ease of gerbil replacement.  Remember, CS's are about FACTS.  They will try to comfort with FACTS.  If you are an AR, you may not feel comforted by FACTS or even desire them, but it does not change the CS's motivation for providing the FACTS.

Be careful not to jump all over your AR for not paying attention.  If you're a concrete, you may not have heard Annie say anything.  But to a highly intuitive AR, Annie was so loud, AR kid can't focus on the lesson until she goes and comforts Annie. The motivation is to solve the problem so that they can pay attention to the lesson, not avoid it.  You may solve the issue by approving AR child for her perception abilities and for her care for her friend, then offer her a five minute break to go comfort Annie before you resume the lesson with her undivided attention.  You permit them to be who they are, validate them but then place limits so that your plan to educate her is not derailed.  Using this method is loving with limits. 

Remember, the ultimate goal is not to control your children NOR is it to indulge your children.  You appreciate and validate their bent, but also help them to learn skills to temper and moderate their bent to accommodate the bents of others or to remain focused on a goal.  Additionally, over-indulgence can derail their life. 

An example of this can be found in the book "The Way They Learn" by Cythia Ulrich Tobias.  She talks about a nursing school where AR students failed to do well.  These AR's were drawn to nursing because of their natural giftedness with anticipating the needs of people and a desire to help and comfort.  But, some of them had not developed the discipline of gutting out the rigors of study necessary to earn the degree to actually accomplish to goal of helping people.  An undisciplined AR will get in the way of their own success.  An informed parent can thoughtfully and prayerful design an 18 year plan to help kids be successful if we're armed with this information.  Isn't this cool? 

How to love your AR kid:
*These little darlings will do best when you talk feelings rather than facts.  Unlike a CS, they like discussion for the sake of conversation and exchange of ideas.  It's like 'idea food' and they like to chew...like cud.

*It's weird, being so intuitive and all, but they really love verbal affirmations and praise.  They are great encouragers and if you think about it, we tend to give what we'd really like to receive.  While a CS prefers lists and checklists, your AR would prefer a daily or weekly meeting to discuss progress verbally.  They like the repartee much more than checking a box.

*They would rather work together with others than work alone.  Your AR kid will HATE, hear me now, HATE school in a box.  One or two subjects?  Fine.  A whole school career equals a slow, painful, mind numbing death. 

*This kid will prefer oral or essay type quizzes to fill in the blank.  If they do take a fill in the blank test and get an answer wrong, ask them about it.  They may have a wonderfully entertaining reason why they answered the way they did.  They may have a perfectly acceptable reason for answering in a way that no CS would have imagined.  Pretty cool.

*Do not box them in on an assignment.  Your CS kid wants very clear directions and defined expectations.  Your AR kid would rather innovate than duplicate.  She wants the freedom to express her creativity and imagination and to surprise/please you with the results.  Instead of a clear set of directions, lay out the goals and make suggestions....then let them go.  If you let them go with 1 or 2 of their friends or fellow students, you'll get brilliantly clever results and a fulfilled AR child.  Don't expect all the I's to be dotted and T's to be crossed.  That's for the CS.  AR's are big picture, idea generators.  CSers are the fine tuners.

*Accept that your AR kid is going to have trouble being and staying organized.  Don't nag them, shame them or compare them to their CS sibling.  AR's are sensitive to being criticized for not being more sequential.  In the case of keeping their room clean, for example, let them shop with you for cute storage containers.  Let them decorate them or whatever.  Then help them establish an 'acceptable' level of disorganization.  They'll never keep it at a 10. That kind of expectation sets them up for frustration and failure.  But maybe you both agree that as long as it's above a 6 there will be no loss of privileges.  Maybe an 8 if guests are coming over.  This standard accepts them as they are, but stretches them as a courtesy to the rest of the family.  Don't worry about 'fairness' with the other kids.  Your CS wants and needs a clean room.  It's not the same kind of effort it is for an AR.  That's not fair.  Think about marriage.  My CS husband is slow and orderly.  I get impatient with waiting on him to alphabetize the contents of the luggage when we go somewhere.  I'm fast, and it's in the car somewhere, we just have to find it when we get there. He gets frustrated with me. Extending love and grace with siblings and not requiring some self imposed 'fairness standard' is practice for marriage.  There's no marriage parent present in my home to referee and impose some fair standard with my husband and me.  We have to learn to accommodate in love.  It's best we learn as kids.  Your AR kid might not be required to keep his room as neat.  Your CS kid might not be required to participate in all the social events offered.  For CS kids, socializing too much is as painful as an AR kid trying to be too tidy.

*CSers should be in charge of packing the car.  ARs are great at planning there where to's and what to do's of vacation. 

*When you give them a blank piece of paper and ask them to make a birthday card allow them plenty of time and don't rush them.  They will put a lot of thought into it's meaning and how they want the recipient to feel.  They may ask for stickers, markers, stamps and to search the internet for hours for just the right piece of poetry.  There may be multiple drafts.  They may get frustrated or discouraged at not getting it 'right'...encourage and be patient.  And this is a good time to coach the CS sibling about not saying something like, "Geez...come on.  It's just a stupid card." 

*Schedule some time just to listen to your AR.  Weekly.  Every 2 weeks.  Set aside time just to listen and affirm.  They like to talk.  ALOT.  Budget time and energy to devote to them and put it on the schedule so that they know.  And for your own sanity, you don't have to listen every time they want to talk.  It's ok to say, "I'm not available right now.  But I'd love it if you wrote yourself a reminder to talk about this when I'm finished or at our next scheduled meeting at Panera (for older kids).  That way I can give you my full attention and I will look forward to that." 

*If you're a CS parent who loves to schedule, schedule this:  spontaneous time.  Surprise your AR kid by throwing out the schedule every once in awhile and get a little crazy.  Huge points!  You'll find your AR kid gets fueled up.  In fact, if your AR kid gets in a funk, it might just be because she's not been spontaneous in awhile.  AR's can do the box/schedule only for so long, then we get depressed.

Couple of more things about an AR:
They can be frustrating.  My tweener aged AR will still walk up to the driver's side of the car when we try to go somewhere.  I will sometimes stand and wait for him to notice he's on the wrong side and sometimes I will call his attention to it.  It is not an intelligence problem!  Don't give in to the temptation to shame them with "Again, really?  You do this every time.  Can't you pay attention to what side of the car you're on?" 
They're not daft.  Their brain is probably in some Narnia type place, slaying dragons or rescuing bunnies.  They know that the people who love them will make sure they get in the car eventually.  Or, they'll figure it out when they get in and the steering wheel is in the way.  No big deal.

If you ask them what they want to do and they answer, "I don't know. Whatever you want to do."  they probably mean it.  Just take them at their word.  Be on guard though for this becoming so much of a habit, that they never make a decision or offer an opinion.  At least 25% of the time, say something like, "I know you usually go with the flow, but I'd really like you to make the decision this time."  I think you find that they will.

As a rule, your AR will like fiction and art and music.  Book reports might lack facts and instead focus on character analysis.  It might contain descriptions of the environment and interpretations of the characters' feelings.

You may need to coach your AR to be more organized and diligent, but not require perfection.  They will tend to over give of themselves.  Help them with understand that having an opinion or vote is not selfish.  They don't always have to give in to the group, it doesn't make them a mean person.  Don't be nit-picky with your AR and don't forget to laugh and goof off.  They will try to avoid conflict, help them to learn to speak truth without fear of loss of relationship.  Create or find opportunities for them to serve. 

How neat that God values this kind of personality diversity in His children and that He makes our little families a mixture of all these traits.  It's God's love curriculum.  Your CS kid needs to learn to be flexible, but not out of control.  Your AR kid needs to learn structure to express love and courtesy to more sequential family members and to be successful at life.  We need love and limits.  We can love others without losing who God created us to be.  That's the freedom.  Let's walk in it.

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2 more future posts on the Concrete Random and the Abstract Sequential.

In love,
Jen