She's green, but she's never really had swagger

For the last thirteen years, I have pulled off an incredible delusion.  I have artfully concealed the depth of my coolness by driving a green mini-van.  When the van was new, you might still get a peek of my wild side despite the
Eddie Bauer car seat and Baby on Board sign.

But the last several years, I've gone in deep.  Maybe too deep.

She now sports patches of chipped paint, as much as five inches in diameter, revealing the grey of the primer beneath.

If custom hub caps that continue to spin while the vehicle ceases to be in motion

draws attention to one's coolness,

it stands to reason that my lack of hub caps on 3 unwashed wheels would help me blend into the asphalt.

The hub caps were probably lost on a curb at some fast food drive thru speaker station.

My attention probably distracted by someone continuing to touch someone else in the back seat

in spite of the shrill command to "stop touching me!"

In fact, you might not notice me at all except for the squeal the air compressor makes that announces my arrival even before my vehicle is in full view.

Ah!  And the inside.  What can I say?

It's a veritable feast of NCIS evidence from soccer fields, fast food establishments, red-clay National Parks, sandy beaches, smuggled play-doh and science experiments.

That's just the rear seats.

The front floorboard is petrified with coffee and hazelnut creamer.

And an occasional curse word that slipped out.

Stray, cracked lenses from cheap Wal-Mart sunglasses that failed to withstand the pressure.

And Chick-Fil-A Polynesian sauce.

Sure, I haven't had heat for the past 3 winters or maximum air conditioning for 4 summers.

The cassette player hasn't worked since 2002.  I've adjusted. 

And apparently, so has the music industry.

It's never had a CD player, DVD player, GPS, BlueTooth or SWAGGER.

It's a far cry from the little black, 5-speed sports car I used to drive before children.

But this 1999 Ford Windstar has:

Transported my family safely, and relatively faithfully for 13 years.

It's not crumbled under the stress of 3 babies, spitting up, throwing cheerios and sippy cups

and peanut butter sandwiches.

It's made trips back from whence we came to retrieve a forgotten, much beloved stuffed animal

necessary for sleep.

The seats have held up under the torment of toddlers to tweeners kicking, flopping and climbing over them

and goodness knows, spilling on them and decorating them with stickers and a marker (that one time)

It's held lots of family and friends-as many as 8 (double buckled that one time)

It's pregnant with memories. 

The seat is molded to my butt and the mirrors have known their position for a long time.

I have sung Veggie Tales Silly Songs to 3 kids in that van.

It's seen a Country phase, a Contemporary Christian phase and, most recently, and Adele phase.

Rumor Has It.

It's contained the funk and the chatter after

Busch Gardens, Sea World, Magic Kingdom, EPCOT, Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios

and Adventure Island and the Nickelodeon Hotel.

It's been as high as Klingman's Dome and as low as Nokomis Beach.

That car has heard lots of laughter.

It's been a private refuge to me to hide and cry when there was no other private place to be found.

And I needed a minute.

It's been the place where my children and I have heard many a sermon preached on the radio

and where deep questions about God have been asked, wrestled and answered.

It's been a prayer closet, spiritual battlefield and a worship sanctuary.

It's kept us without a car payment for 9 years.

The borrower is slave to the lender.  Proverbs 22:7

If on average, people buy a $25,000 car every 4 years,

we've saved over $50,000 plus interest (around $10k-12k ish)

I however have been free.

Free to be at home with my kids.

My husband has been free from this financial burden.

My kids have been free from stressed out parents.

Free to support people and ministry and things of eternal value.

FREE

________________________________________

But now it's over.  Our wonderful Christian, family man mechanic

who has been good to us for so many years and to whom we have been loyal across a great distance

since our move...

and the wonderful transmission guy

have both declared defeat.

They broke it to us gently...but it's over.

They mentioned blood and turnips.

They've given her a maximum of 3 months to live so I've been
confined to driving a small piece of geography and
 had to suspend long, Sunday drives through "the hood."

And who would have known that the car would have given out before the 13 year old stroller?

Good on you Graco!

We no longer need you either.

So now, the new (to me) car is on order. 

And I no longer have to conceal my cool in a shroud of green mini-van.

The next one is BLUE and it will see memories of it's own.

Like my kids all growing up and learning to drive.

Besides, my great friend across the street has a convertible she lets me drive on occasion

and I'm able to remember what it once was like to have a little cool on display.

Jen

@HSinHighHeels (twitter)

Homeschooling in High Heels (Facebook)



Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself: Pointing the finger at potentially harmful homeschool attitudes

Pride goes before destruction,

a haughty spirit before a fall

When I was first introduced to the idea of homeschooling,
 I was hesitant.

When my oldest was still pre-school age, it had been my observation, of a very small sample size, that homeschoolers tended to be a little left of center socially.  While this is not a completely bad thing (we want them to be in the world but not of the world) we also want them to be relevant and credible for ministry. 

I remember telling my husband before attending my first homeschool convention (around 2005) that if everyone looked weird (picture the VonTrapp family children all in a line with matching curtain clothing) that I would not be homeschooling.  I remember observing people very closely as I maneuvered through the crowded convention halls thinking to myself  'They look normal.  They look normal.  They look normal.  Okay, they look a little weird, probably nice, but weird.  They look normal.'

It's not like in the 80's.  We don't have to hide inside our house, fearful of a truancy report.

Besides, there are weird kids in public school.  Remember that kid in science class?

Even since 2005, the opportunities for homeschool families to participate in cooperative classes, extra curricular sports, museum programs, park and library classes, on-line classes, dual enrollment and the like have exploded.

All of these options allow us to participate in all the best homeschooling and traditional schooling has to offer. 

I remember a few years back overhearing a conversation between two moms at our kid's club soccer practice, one of which was a public school teacher.

PS teacher mom said something to the effect of  "Yeah, the school year's starting out great.  But these homeschooled kids, I feel so bad for them.  They're so sheltered and not allowed to be a normal kid.  I can pick a homeschooled kid out a mile away."  And they continue their conversation about their kid's schools.

I just kind of smirked to myself and kept reading my book.  A little while later, PS mom decided to try and include me in the conversation.  She looked at me and said,
"Hi, what school do your kids go to?"

I said, "Well actually, my kids are homeschooled."

You should have seen her face, knowing that I would have overheard their conversation.

So, she recovered herself, and said "Oh, really, which is your kid?"

And oh yes I did.

I said, "What?  Can you not tell?"

In the past several years, as the homeschooling population has increased and diversified, I have become less concerned with the socialization issue and become much more concerned with the other issues discussed in this post.

More disturbing to me was an air of self-righteousness among some
in the homeschooling community.
An unforgiving sense that homeschool families were setting the example of how Christian families 'ought' to be honoring God with their parenting style and schooling choice.

I found this to be haughty, projecting an air of superiority and, quite frankly, being a source of divisiveness among the

family of God.

Sadly, I find no shortage of this message in *some* homeschool magazines
 (Home Educating Family a notable exception)
And it is a common message of some
homeschool convention speakers

Some of the most God fearing, bible studying, life living radical Christians I know are recent
public high school graduates.

In fact, there are cars lined up every week of the summer months in front of my house

 (with my complete blessing)

These cars belong to college kids, home for the summer, choosing to do a bible study they conduct themselves across the street.

Francis Chan, David Platt stuff.

I know 2 college age missionaries to China.

One homeschooled, the other public schooled
(although homeschooled a few years in the middle)

I choose to homeschool my kids because I choose to fight certain battles a certain way.

My close friend has chosen for her kids to be public schooled
 (although they also homeschooled for a time in the middle too)
because that family has chosen to fight certain battles another way.

Her sons are who my oldest son looks up to as example of our homeschool 'motto verse'

1st Timothy 4:12  Let no one look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers, in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

Those that claim Christ as their savior become
a family of 'we' NOT 'us' and 'them'

School choice should never divide the family of God.

Additionally, I have several teacher friends who bring Jesus with them into the classroom.
While it's true that there are restrictions, my friends are creative.
One walks her classroom,
 touching each desk and praying for each child by name before they arrive in the morning.
Jesus is still mentioned in valedictory speeches.
Fellowship of Christian Athletes still hold meetings.
When challenged with the question about the possibility of their kids attending public school, some homeschooling parents have fear behind their eyes as they boldly articulate their substantial reasons for schooling at home.

Be careful what this communicates about our Savior.


If he was able to sustain Daniel in his exile to Babylon, He can certainly be trusted with our children in an American public school.

We have not been given a spirit of timidity or fear.  We, like Joshua, are to be strong and courageous for the Lord our God will be with us where ever we go.


There are wonderful reasons why some families would choose to homeschool.
Fear should not be one of them.

Because we have had over 20 years of homeschooling to look back on, and because hindsight is indeed 20/20, there is another unintended consequence reflected in a portion of homeschool graduates. 
(certainly not all)
 

Be on guard that our kids do not leave our immediate influence without their faith being tested and with the notion that head knowledge only is sufficient for living a life honoring to God.

Listen, I get it.  I'm a mom who desperately loves her children. 

I would be affected on a range of sad to devastated if something happened to my kids whether it be simple unfairness, bullying, being exposed to violence, vulgar language too young
or graphic pornographic images at any age,

or heaven forbid, physical or sexual abuse.

Now, hear me, and try to be objective.  The  incidences of the most horrific of these situations is 

statistically small.

Admittedly higher than they used to be, but still small.

In fact, the number of children who die each year by drowning (3.0%) , gun accidents (0.7%), fire related (2.7%),  force of nature (1.8%),  etc are far less than kids who die in car accidents (37.5%).

And we still drive them around.

Here's a link to the top 5 leading causes of death among children: 

http://www.alivepast5.com/child-death-statistics.html

In fact, these statistics show that the top five causes of  death in children are situations that are more likely to occur when kids are with their parents.

  So really, statistically, they're more in danger at home than when they're in school.

But there are social dangers as well.

Bullying is a problem.  But not knowing how to be bullied well is also a problem.

Paul was bullied.  The 12 were harassed.
Chinese Christians, among others, experts at being bullied.
Prisoners in Auschwitz were bullied.
Chick-Fil-A is currently being bullied by someone who participated in creating the anti-bully campaign.

The recent movement to curtail bullying, while argueably well intentioned by some, is contributing to
a victim mind set.
No one has control over another person to change them. 
We can influence them, sometimes.  We can hold them accountable.
We can use those in authority to impose consequences.
However, we can not control them or force them to change.

Handling a bully is a skill.  Richard Wurmbrand is, in my mind, the ultimate example.

Humor, sarcasm, deflection are all useful tools to disarm a bully.

But bullies target insecure kids.  Therein lies a one solution over which we as parents have considerable influence.
Teach them, train them, coach them.  But don't hide them.

While I do not like it, I encourage my oldest to be among other kids his age (in small doses at first) who use vulgar language, coarse jesting and some disrespectful, snarky attitudes and obnoxious behavior.

In my life I have gone to college, worked retail, been in a corporate environment and gone to Wal-Mart
a thousand times.
I have heard vulgar language, coarse jesting, disrespectful, snarky attitudes and seen obnoxious behavior
in all of these environments.

He (my son) has to develop the skills necessary to tolerate such language and behavior.
He will be hindered as an adult if he is too self-righteously sensitive to the sins of other people.
He will be ill equipped if he does not have the intestinal fortitude to tolerate this behavior,
and even in the face of it,
 extend grace.

Biblical correction and rebuke are for those within the family of God.
Those outside the family need a Savior before they receive the conviction of sin and the enabling to turn.
How will they know if we raise the next generation sheltered, ill-equipped and too judgmental to go near.

It has been my personal experience that some homeschoolers graduate with academic and social maturity in as much as it relates to older adults who are modifying their behavior to accommodate
the tenderness of  the young person.
But paradoxically, some of these same people graduate with a marked immaturity in relating to others their age not on the approved, similarly sheltered list.

It's ultimately a well motivated disservice. 
It limits their choices and potential to impact in the world.

A primary objective of parents is to prepare their kids to launch well and equipped.  Head knowledge is not sufficient to protect them, equip them or prepare them for life.  They must have experiential knowledge.  Practice.  A personal, emotional bank with a balance reflecting deposits of failures, mistakes, successes, choices and consequences and yes, even bad people.

They also need to establish their own circle of wisdom.
Wise people who keep confidences, give wise counsel and correction.

Without this account from which to make withdrawals, kids are far more likely to

A)  bust out of your house and go bananas

or

B)  fail to branch out as a result of fear and insecurity
or
C)  launch, but fail to reach their full potential

Our kids have a 0.7% chance of dying by gun shot wound

but

100% chance of being ill equipped for life if they are over-sheltered.



Besides, it tends to make them little Pharisees.  That's obnoxious, off putting and by definition not winsome to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I'm not suggesting our little ones or unprepared/immature tweeners get exposed before they are ready.  The early years are for laying the character foundations of honesty, integrity, perseverance, self-control, discernment, courage, loyalty, mercy, trust, wisdom and patience.

That's any parent's job with the little bitties.

But by the tweeners, these foundations need to be checked for cracks, while they are still at home and before they launch.

The only way to test a foundation is to subject it to weight.

If you've been a good mentor and your kids humble students in their younger years,
 they may stumble, you may have to fill some cracks, but more often than not they will stand.

If the foundation is inadequate or faulty, rip it up and begin again.  Quickly. 

The count down to launch keeps tickin'.

Caveat:  Please don't overwhelm kids who's character is underdeveloped by hoisting upon them responsibilities for which they are not prepared for just because they hit their 12th birthday

 (or whatever age other kids are XYZing.)

If junior has a responsibility problem, we should not be giving  him a cell phone
. (except in rare cases when additional responsibility will actually result in a child stepping up to the plate)

He's proven he can't be trusted.  We jeopardize our credibility when we knowingly grant him freedoms and privileges his character can't handle, then nag and whine and rant and threaten and yell when the bill comes in.  Although junior would never articulate this, he knew he couldn't be trusted when you gave we the phone.  But we gave him the responsibility  anyway.  Now, we look out of control ranting about the result everyone could have reasonably anticipated.  As a bonus, our ranting, although it may serve to purge our emotional build up, undermines our kid's confidence and hardens their heart to correction.

Follow the biblical principle, those that can be trusted with a little can be trusted in much.
Then tell 'not quite mature Junior' that you will help him work to be more trustworthy and responsible. Confess any negligence on your part in cultivating this character attribute in him.
Tell him you're on his side, that you believe in him, and will be excited when the day comes when you can all celebrate that he can handle the responsibility of the phone.

Just because all of Junior's 12 year old friends have a smart phone has nothing to do with Junior.
My neighbor might drive a Maserati.  What does that have to do with me?
It's a lesson that needs to be learned before they trash their credit rating 'keeping up with the Joneses' and expecting you to rant, then bail them out.

Conversely, it is also damaging to not cooperate with the maturation process of a child.
A child who has proven character needs your vote of confidence with additional responsibility.
Don't allow fear to get in the way.


And one further note:  My Heavenly Father values suffering. 
James told us to consider it all joy...because God is cultivating something in us.
 (paraphrase of James 1:2 and following mine)

God values suffering as an instrument that demonstrates His superiority over sin.
He's active in Romans 8:28 working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Suffering is frequently the mechanism that plugs head knowledge into heart knowledge.
It cultivates our character.  Our passions.  Our compassion.
Our humility.

Our kids will suffer.  God chastens those He loves. 
It's one of the evidences we are His children.

One of the most important things we can teach our children is how to suffer well.
How to stand in times of opposition, oppression and persecution.
We need to practice forgiveness and excavating bitter seeds before they take root.
Over protected children are denied opportunities to grow and to understand the gospel
 in an experiential way.

Here's a good example of the benefit of suffering a bad circumstance well.
http://michaelhyatt.com/the-value-of-working-for-a-bad-boss.html
Michael Hyatt: The value of working for a bad boss

People with head knowledge only, without experiential knowledge have a tendency to become Pharisaical.
The are haughty, judgemental and condemning.
May it never be with us.


Homeschooling is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy our children,  educated them, mentor them
and to cultivate a faith that endures and is God honoring.
But it's not the only way.
And it's not the perfect way.

Check yourself.

Jen

All comments and respectful dissenting opinions welcome and encouraged.

Facebook:  Homeschooling in High Heels
Twitter:  HSinHighHeels

I invite you to follow me on these platforms.



Stop it! A response.

My friend Melissa (@OfficialSpouse on Twitter) is a spunky little Jesus lover who periodically likes to throw down the gauntlet on her Spouseisms blog.  Here's the lastest:  http://spouseisms.blogspot.com/2012/07/stop-it-stop-it-right-now.html?spref=tw

So all that's left is for me to pick it up and hit it head on:

You know I have some 'Stop It's' of my own.
WARNING:  All comments shot straight from the hip buffered only by well intentioned sassiness and snark.
Also, I may be guilty of a few of these. 

Stop with the GMO's-I don't even know what I'm eating anymore

Stop making your kids think it's all about them-it's a proven, observable fact that the world revolves around the sun, not your (albeit precious) kid

Stop answering the cell phone when you're already engaged in a face to face conversation with someone else
You don't look important, you look rude

Stop with all the tatoos.  You look like a human post-it note,
 phone-side doodle pad
Stop looking offended when I try to read what you've written on  you're body. 
(Ok, I said it.  I"m not speaking to the well thought out, comprehensive plan, tastefully executed tatoo.  Although there is some debate among Christians with regard to tatoos.  My position is that while I don't care to participate, I don't find it an insult for a Christian to exercise this freedom-I know, Deuteronomy.   I'm talking about the random, hodgepodge, drunkin', on a dare kind of mish-mosh, every-which-way, font confused, distasteful, juvenille, angry, inappropriate stuff)

Stop talking about grace-BE grace with skin on
(You might be thinking that statement contradicts the one above.  It doesn't.
I will still love you.  I will just also be preoccupied with reading you)

Stop with all the alligator wrestling, mountain logging, dog-whispering, blind dating junk on TV.
Duck Dynasty, however, may stay

Stop concerning yourself with, worrying about or trying to control what other people think about you. 

It's a waste
(repeat as necessary)

Stop defending yourself.  If you're playing defense, you're not playing offense.  Read the gospel.  It's a totally offensive game.

(double entente intended)

Stop using 'it's comfortable' as an excuse for ugly foot ware

Stop saying 'yes' when you really want to say 'no'

Shhhh....it's a lie.  See the point above about what other people think

Stop looking at stuff you ought not look at

Stop being so serious.  Lighten up.  Live a little

Stop with the little 2 seater, toaster on wheels car.  I'm very concerned for your safety.  The only crash you might survive is with a rusted out shopping cart. 

Stop acting like you're:

self-sufficient

self-important

self-focused

self-conscious

self-reliant

self-righteous

Die to self.

For the love of all things good and holy, enough with the muffin top

Stop being afraid of the truth.  Humility only operates within truth

Stop listening to the criticisms of people who wouldn't take a bullet for you

Stop refusing to listen to people who would

Stop being complacent, mediocre, satisfied with good enough.

get hungry-get equipped-get started

Stop holding on

Stop saying 'tomorrow we will go here and do that'

you don't know if you have a tomorrow

(Shout-out Colorado)

Take time out to be encouraged and to be an encouragement.

Jen
(No thoughtful comment rejected)

Sharkproof Your School Year: 3 Strategies

SharkWeek's a'comin and images like these pop up on my TV screen with increasing regularity.

The intent of these images are to entice me to tune in to the 25th anniversary celebration of Shark Week on the Discovery Channel kicking off August 12, and watch "Night after Night.  Bite After Bite."

I actually had to go to the website to look up that information because, unfortunately for Discovery, once I see this image, my brain is focused on the new school year and everything that threatens to take big, bleeding chunk out of my success.  "Night After Night.  Bite After Bite"

Every year I face the same frustrations, distractions and obstacles and each year I have to take the time to be proactive.  I get a little sloppy with my personal disciplines over the summer and forsake some of the strategies and practices that help me be an effective homeschool administrator, teacher and family manager.

As the scripture goes, before you build the city

you have to count the costs.

#1:  Re-examine our commitment to Homeschooling.  I'm more regularly asked now that my oldest will be going into his last year of middle school and my youngest entering Kindergarten/1st grade (I haven't decided), "How long will you Homeschool?"  Invariably, my answer is "I don't know."  And I don't.  We enjoy homeschooling and I believe that by some very objective and subjective measures we have been quite successful.  But our circumstances are subject to change year by year and each of our children's needs are quite different.  Each year it's imperative that I thoroughly and honestly examine my heart and check my motives and seek God's will and blessing for our family.  I need to explore the needs of each one of my children and have the courage to examine all the options available for meeting those needs.  I choose to have an impartial judge who lives outside my daily life and "village" who can look at our circumstances and give me hard feedback and help me to process the practical implications of whatever realities we uncover.   I need to meet with my husband and have him reaffirm to me his commitment to lead a homeschooling family and to define and agree with me on what 'his support' looks like.  Literally, we talk financial and emotional support, practical support in the form of teaching certain subjects or topics, assisting in certain extra-curricular activities and concessions on things like household chores.  (I'm only one person!)  Once he and I are in agreement, and we have done due diligence to chart out and define expectations, we have laid a firm foundation on which our successful school year may be built.

#2 Get out a Calendar:  Hear me now.  I'm am not a naturally organized person!  This has been a challenge and a hard won victory.   I (now) try to live by a calendar.  I am a natural visionary (by personality type) and I love visions and purpose and big picture stuff.  But the devil is in the details.  To pull off a life that is consistent with my priorities and vision, it is a discipline I have had to cultivate.  Some moms are great at scheduling on the micro level.  But what I'm talking about here is the macro level. The very first thing in my calendar is a weekly date with my husband and it gets done whether I have 'time' or not and whether I feel like it or not.  After that, I schedule 2 other events.  One is some alone, by myself, devotional time with God.  There are conditions placed on this time.  One, it has to be out of the house so that I'm not distracted by other things I 'should' be doing.  Two, it is totally separate from any study I'm in or teaching or apart from my daily devotional time.  It's like my date night with God. Three, it is not about homeschooling.  It's just time to sit quietly with my bible, pray and see what He has to say to me.  The second of these others is a little more flexible, but I try to do it more often than not.  I try to schedule some girl time.  This may or may not be as important to you with the same frequency.  I'm a hard-core extrovert and too much time at home or with my family, as much as I love them, is not in my own best interest (or their's).  This time with girlfriends addresses this need in me and fuels me for the work I do at home.  It's like gasoline. If I don't replenish the tank, I will spit and sputter through the week.  You may also want (as I do) to schedule your weekly bible studies and service time.

The order in which I listed these calendar commitments is not based on how they should biblical be ordered (i.e. God first, husband 2nd).  It is based on my personal struggle.  Whatever is most challenging for you to justify and the item you find most consistently gets put on the back burner should be the first item scheduled.  For me, I struggle with spending money on date night far more than I struggle to make time to spend with God.  I don't feel the need to have as many date nights to feel connected to my husband.  He does.  So, I schedule date night first. 

Moms, you know this is true, we have a tendency to schedule ourselves last and then pray that God will give us the energy to keep going.  We have been given a stewardship over our own lives, i.e. time, talent and treasure.  We need to be very intentional about how we allocate our resources and how they fall in line with our priorities.  It is not selfish.  It is responsible.  Intentional.  Accountable.

After the weekly items, I must carefully measure the kid's activities.  Too few and they may not be well balanced (depending on the age)  Too many, and you're modeling and teaching slavery.  Is organized sports important to or beneficial for your 5 year old?  Does your 12 year old need to play every sport he's interested in while the younger kids get carted around to ALL his activities?  Is fast food 4 nights a week in your family's best interest?  Once the school year gets in full swing, will Thanksgiving be the first time you eat together around the table?  Is that okay with you?  I have another post scheduled on this topic for a later date. But for now, please consider scheduling family time, free time, unstructured recreation time, and time to cultivate the art of being bored. It is a dying art, and a lack of experience with it fuels entitlement.

Once these items are on the calendar, all new requests can be evaluated on a case by case basis and subordinated (or occassionally, not)  to these prior commitments.  It really should help draw some lines on when to say "Yes" and when to say "No."  Although I'm not suggesting you make the calendar a taskmaster and you it's slave, it should streamline decision making, insulate against the frustration of overcommitment and the resulting feelings of frustration, inadequacy and guilt. 

 Here's the visual by the late Steven Covey. http://www.appleseeds.org/Big-Rocks_Covey.htm

Just lay out your calendar reflecting your priorities for how to fill the jar.  Evaluate yourself regularly to ensure you're living accordingly.

#3  The phone and social media:  Your job as a homeschool mom/family manager is your current career.  If you were VP of a large corporate marketing firm, your mom or your neighbor or your best friend would not feel free to just give you a little ring on the phone at 9:15 am to chat.  And if they did, you'd have to find the courage to tell them, "I can't talk now.  It's not respectable corporate behavior."  Well, you're your own boss now.  Suck it up buttercup and change the message on your answering machine.    During school time (however you define it) you should be fully present with your students as though you were being paid to do a job.  Here's what your friend should hear on the answering machine, "Hi.  You've reached (whatever your school name is) (blank) Academy of Character, Academic and Talent Development.  Currently classes are in session.  If this is a true emergency, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.  Otherwise, please leave a message or call back between the hours of 3:15 and 5:15 (after all, you may be making and enjoying dinner with family.)  If this upsets them, arrange with them to get on the calendar (see #2 above) that way they will have their own time slot with you where you don't take phone calls from home.  Everyone gets their own undivided time with your full, respectful attention.  If they still don't like it, allow them the freedom to be disappointed that they don't get to decide your priorities for you.  Give yourself the freedom to be disappointed that they are disappointed and struggling to respect your position as a family manager who has prayerfully considered her priorities with God and husband.  (See #1 above and remind yourself of your priorities.)   And you really don't have to change your phone message and set official school hours.  Just know it's not mean or wrong to command respect for the job you're doing and to set limits on interruptions.

As for social media, you may have to go commando.  Discipline.  Accountibility.  It's a great tool.  Just don't let the tail wag the dog.

There are far more tactics in the devil's handbag and in our own inadequacies to cause our school year to jump the tracks and these are but a few strategies.

I've heard that if you punch a shark squarely on the snout with great target and force, he will turn and leave you.  I hope this helps you ball up your fist and take aim.   

#FiveMinuteFriday

      I'm a contemplator.  I've never read 'Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti' but I get the visual.   If my brain were like a housefly, it would have taken off and landed 287 times, on different subjects, before I even brush my teeth in the morning.  I'm exhausted from being with myself by the end of the day.  And surprisingly, it's quite the challenge to narrow all those thoughts down to individual blog postings. 

One of the things I contemplate is the difference between these 2 types of knowledge:

1. Ginosko—to be aware of; to be informed; to become aquainted with.

2.  Oida—to fully perceive and understand through experience.


In simplier terms, #1 is head knowledge/book smarts.  #2 is experiential knowledge.  It's like, I don't want to be operated on by a surgeon who doesn't have a medical degree.  Furthermore, I don't want to be his first patient.  You know?  I want him to have gone to school AND had some real life practice. 

I have some thoughts about how this plays out in the faith community, and in particular homeschool families.  I honestly  believe we are quite at risk for raising excellent #1's but we run the risk of depriving ourselves and our kids of the opportunity to be #2's.  And despite our greatest intentions, I believe there will be a negative impact on the winsomeness of the gospel if that is the case.  I'm still contemplating for a later post.

In light of the contemplation I've done thus far, I made the decision a few years back to seek out OIDA for myself.  This is usually manifested in individual decisions to go outside my comfort zone and do something I wouldn't normally do.  These choices have usually exposed for me some fears, insecurities, unresolved resentments, etc. which I really think is a good thing.  And this post is an example.

In high school, I was an AP writing student with a solid 'B' grade for my entire high school career.  I was in class with some beautiful writers, some of which have gone on to careers in journalism and TV news.  As for me, I wrote a five paragraph essay every Friday and I'm fairly certain that I only received one 'A' my entire 3 years of high school.    So, this blog is already risky behavior.   But then I found Lisa-Jo Baker's blog, Tales from a Gypsy Mama.  

I like her and she has a weekly blog/Twitter challenge #FiveMinuteFriday:  
   http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/
She refers to it as a writing flash mob.  For my blogging friends (who also stay up late at night) take a peek and see what you think. 

I think all of us could benefit, to some degree, by getting into the habit of doing things outside our comfort zone.  I'm fairly certain that it might become easier over time to take these kind of risks and that it even has the potential to be a good habit.  Just think about the personal growth that can come by practicing surrender and just letting go and letting the chips fall where they may.  And learning not to care what someone thinks of our sloppy chips.  In fact, I'm gonna publish this without proof reading. 

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

I've always been strong willed.  It's not always been appreciated.  In fact, there have been times in my life when other people have felt that this quality was so undesirable in me, that I must be changed or stamped out (or something similar.)   There have been times when they reacted to me as though I was some kind of threat to them  There have been times in my life where I felt like they were right.  I remember a few years back asking God if the goal of maturing in Christ meant that I would start wearing white button up  cardigans with long floral skirts and Hush Puppy sandals, speak softly and develop the gift of intercessory prayer.  It does seem that those lovely women are valued in the Christian community as being Godly. They're polite, cooperative and non-threatening.  They're lovely.  I'd rather be dangerous. 

I loved Maria VonTrapp, you know, Sound of Music Maria.  She drove the nuns nuts.  (insert chuckle here)  The kids sure loved her, though.  Denying them playclothes was wrong and she hated that more than she loved curtains.  Father wasn't happy.  He was kind of accustomed to getting his way and very unaccustomed to having his authority 'challenged.'  Isn't that the way most people look at strong willed personalities?  A form of rebellion.  A constant penchant for challenging authority.  If you have a strong willed kid, you may frequently feel exhausted by having 90% of what you say questioned or challenged.  For me, when I watch Maria, I don't think it much entered her mind that she was challenging Captain VonTrapp.  Strong willed people have an acute sense of right and wrong.  We are driven to distraction by the rightness of an action.  The children have a need, the curtains are a waste and I have sewing skills.  It's pretty reasonable.  Make sense?

I know, some people would say strong wills have a problem with submitting to authority.  I don't think that's necessarily true.  Maria was willing to submit to using the dog whistle for the children, just not herself.  But not without pointing out that it was demeaning and hypocritical by inquiring as to what Capt. VonTrapp's dog whistle call sign was.  Remember the appalled look?  That was hypocrite confirmation.  If your strong willed kid asks alot of questions, maybe it's not a stand against your authority as much as it could be that what you're asking doesn't make sense.  At least not to them  Or at least it warrants further explanation.  I don't mean that you allow them to be disrespectful or contentious. But maybe they just need more information so that they can become convinced in their own mind of the rightness of what you're asking.  That's not wrong.  Actually, that should be a priority of your parenting and a measure of whether or not you're doing a good job.  A young adult needs to launch from your home knowing what he values and having an internal well thought out and tested list of rights and wrongs.  If you've trained your children to look externally for some authority figure to determine for them what is right and wrong, you're in trouble Christian parent when they hit freshman year biology at the state university.  That college professor may become a substitute moral authority for your child who you thought you taught well, but never allowed him to decide what he believed for himself.  (For more on this topic, here's a great article http://blog.growingleaders.com/remember-the-fences/)   If what you're asking is right and valid, your strong willed kid will aquiese.  It's not YOU they want to stand against, it's unreasonableness, hypocriticalness, thoughtlessness, selfishness and wrongness.  That's probably not a word. 


How do you solve a problem like Maria?  You don't.  Being stong willed is not a problem.  It's more likely, dear parent,  that the problem is not knowing how Maria operates and not knowing how to relate, which results in frustration, which comes out as anger.  Unresolved anger rots into bitterness.  Maybe it's been a challenge to appreciate Maria and it's seems scary.  Most likely, the biggest problem that needs to be solved is making sure there's enough time allotted to Maria to work through the Maria-ness.  To help her process.   Maria is so truth oriented she doesn't even need you to solve legitimate problems.  She just might need your help defining what those problems are.  Take a deep breath, remember you're the parent, start back at square one:  http://homeschoolingnhighheels.blogspot.com/search/label/Strong%20willed%20child

If Momma Ain't Happy....?????

                               

We southern folk sure do love a snappy little saying, shellac-ed onto a piece of a cheap pine and tied up nice and pretty with a little gingham ribbon.  Heck, when we get a hold of a piece of advice like 'If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch', we'll silk screen it on a t-shirt, beer mug or bumper sticker.  And some are so kitch down here in the way south, they think a toilet seat emblazoned with 'if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie' makes an attractive and appropriate piece of powder room art.  But this one about Mama not being happy, well, it's just plain not right.

When I see this saying on a plaque or coffee mug, you know like in one of the tourist-y truck stop Shell station convenience stores outside Gainesville or at any Cracker Barrel, I can't help but visualize a dentally challenged woman in her early 30's with a haphazard arrangement of pink foam rollers all clingin' for dear life on  clumps of mousy brown hair.  Invariably, she's  chasing her younguns around the trailer park with a broom amid a fog of smoke from a Camel Light.  I don't watch Jerry Springer, but if I were a bettin' woman, I'd say he's had a guest to two that thought this a valid parenting strategy.  But it really does play out in the family, in business environments, community and yes, even church. 

One of the hallmarks of a mature person is that they are able to exercise self control.  Another, is that they are able to accept responsibility for their own attitudes, beliefs and behaviors and not expect someone else to be responsible for them.  Not other people.  Not God.   If Mama isn't happy, well maybe  that's Mama's problem.  And maybe she needs to figure out what's behind her unhappiness. 

Is it possible Mama doesn't have her priorities in order?  God first, husband second, children third, extended and church families fourth, and everything else has to get in line behind these things if there's even room at all, depending on your season of life.  God, in his grace, gave us these priorities to protect us from ourselves.  We are finite creatures and while some of us may have a higher capacity for multitasking than others, we each have a point where it is too much activity to be good at anything of them.  God, hubby and kids should not be getting 'left over time' behind PTA meetings and do gooder cupcakes parties.  Our primary, and maybe even in some seasons, our only ministry, should be to them.  But if you believe this and Mama's still stripped down and stressed out when it comes to first priorities and limiting commitments, maybe the bigger problem is knowing how to say NO!  And maybe behind that is insecurity and guilt. 

You ever gotten one of those looks from the volunteer co-ordinator at Wednesday night church?  The kid's soccer coach?  The homeroom mom?  Your internal dialog kicks into high gear about 'it's a good cause', 'somebody's gotta do it', 'it's probably my turn', 'don't be so selfish.'  Maybe you can't stand the look or the thought of not being included, or the thought that some of the other tired, overextended moms might not be able to take a break if you don't jump in and save them from their over extended selves, and maybe they'll talk about you.  Maybe. Lets say it all comes true.  You become the target of much malicious gossip because you won't compromise your first priorities and they feel angry because you won't give them the excuse they think they need to give themselves permission for their lives to stop being over extended.  What if that makes them your 'Mama', and she ain't happy.  How does that have anything to do with you?  And why do we, over and over again, give that power over us to compromise our first priorities?

Sometimes, we'll try to make our husbands responsible for our inability or unwillingness to say NO.  It can lead to arguments about how much help you feel you need, particularly with the home and kids vs how much help he objectively should be giving.  There ideally will be an equitable division of labor, but considering his job outside the home for a fee, and a your job as homeschool Mom and family manager, it's important that all other opportunities be weighed and measured and agreed upon before a commitment should be made.  It's kind of like McDonalds.  In my experience, they have the whole breakfast drive through thing down to a science.  But if they started adding omelets and frappe latte mochacchinos at a drive through barrista bar, it's gonna start making the 'on their way to work' crowd a little impatient and seek 'nourishment', if you can see McD's breakfast as sustenance, somewhere else.  The answer then would be to 86 the omlets and maybe move the barrista inside and make it a self serve option beside the Coke dispenser.  But calling the manager of the Burger King across the street and demanding he send 2 of his employees over to help with the omlet making, since their drive thru's not as busy, well, that's ludicrous.  Bottom line:  If you're over scheduled, quit if you possibly can with an apology that your willingness to serve outran your ability to do so without having a negative effect on your family. If not, finish and make different choices next time.  Failing to execute these difficult remedies could lead to one stressed out, not so 'happy' Mama.

When we try to blame our husbands, we'll get some push back, unless he's a pushover.  And for that, we should be grateful.  For the push back that is.  When we try to share the blame for our overextendedness with our kids, the push back may not be so obviously identified as push back.  It can be mistaken as bad behavior.  Older kids can get angry and resentful that Mom is suddenly behind on laundry, meals seem to, more often than not, involve sandwich bread or microwaves, appointments are forgotten, Mom's not as available physically and/or emotionally and that kind of thing.  They may have some issues they need to talk to Mom about, but because she's stressed out, they don't feel free to sit down and work it out.  Kids who don't have much practice articulating their concerns may just stomp feet, slam doors and grunt.  Mom can become resentful that they're not helping more around the house and taking more responsibility.  Now there's reactionary anger and resentment swirling around the abode and careful now, being blamed on teenage hormones?!

I have not had my own teenager yet, although I'm on the precipice,  and I concede that I may be wrong.  But I have worked with alot of teenagers and their parents and I have seen alot of blame placed on teenage hormones.  And maybe they are a beast.  I could totally eat these words some day.  I'll take a pic and post it.  But it just seems to me that maybe alot gets blamed on teen hormonal behavior that can just be chalked up to a failure to proactively communicate.  In scenarios like the one above, maybe Mom just flipped the script on the teenager without any discussion as to new expectations for his involvement in household responsibilities or proactively addressing any real or perceived concerns about how this would effect him.  Getting the kid's buy in on the new deal BEFORE it happens can go a long way in heading off turmoil.  How hopeless it must feel that Mom made a decision that impacted the kid, without any concern for the impact it would have.  They can feel disrespected and not appreciated for having input on how the flow of the household schedule is to work out.  The teenage years are, in part, a time to practice the fine arts of balancing the needs and desires of all family members, demonstrating respect and compromise.  Proactive communication is key.

Little boos are in a more helpless position.  A three year old cannot all the sudden be expected to not drop food on the floor, make it to the potty 100% of the time and not be fascinating by flushing crayons down the toilet.  Moms need to budget extra patience calories for this period of life.  Three year olds are supposed to do these things and we Moms are supposed to encourage curiosity, teach lessons and coach boundaries.  It takes time!  And patience!



  Of course, sometimes we try to make God responsible, just like our mother Eve.  You know the Philippian prayer Christian moms try to throw at this one....I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength I need.  Then we get that little tickle in our pride about how like Mother Theresa we are.  We join our hearts with all the spiritual martyrs throughout the ages.  Then, in desperation, we pass a juice box to the crying kid in the back seat of the minivan.  We find that 'all things' prayer apparently stopped just shy of providing the patience necessary to cover the explosive response brewing when crying kid squeezes the juice box at the exact moment he stabs it with the straw.  What you should hear is the gentle whisper of God saying, "I never asked you to homeschool 4 kids, 2 in diapers, grind your own wheat, be team mom, Sunday school helper, nursery co-ordinator, whole foods expert, prayer chain captain and recycling champion all at the same time.  Quit praying that prayer as though I'm so supposed to rescue you when you're not content with what I have called you to do and you think you have to add more to please Me or because you don't understand what My Son meant when He said 'it's finished.'  I meant I'd give you the strength to do what I want you to do.  Some of that stuff is your idea." 

Instead, we hear the whisper  inside our head about how inadequate we are.  How if we just trusted God more.  Prayed more.  Got up earlier (ok, I myself have never heard that come from inside my head)  If we were better schedulers.  If we were more like 'that woman.'   Then we could really be good.  And wouldn't that  make God look good?  Truth is, I'm not 'that woman' and what God plans for my life has nothing to do with His plan for her.  Any condescending looks from her or thoughts from my own head have nothing to do with it either. 

In fact, one of the many, many things Christ accomplished on the cross was that we are free from those thoughts and feelings as a controlling force, and instead we are free to live only by the Spirit.  We seek to sooth those feelings with service.  It never fills.  It's a leaky bucket.  It's supposed to leak.  It's not Christ.  The leaky bucket can not be prayed away with a holy sounding Philippian prayer because God doesn't want to patch our leaky bucket solution.  He wants it to keep leaking so that we know something's wrong.  Sit a spell with Him, and have the courage to hear Him say, "I love you.  I have already saved the world.  I don't need your help.  Your ministry to your husband and family is what I have planned for you right now.  It's of eternal value to Me to allow you to minister to them on My behalf, and for My glory.  Trust Me for your guilt.  There is no condemnation for those that are in My Son."

So go ahead and take down the sign about Mama not being happy, so ain't nobody happy, because that dog won't hunt in this county anymore.  Nobody needs to rescue Mama from her own unhappiness.  Not her husband.  Not her kids.  Not God.  She's working it out and is choosing to lay hold of the peace and joy she's
already been given.  She's gonna get out of the way of herself.  Now, insert Philippian prayer HERE.