There's a Troll Under My Bridge: 3 steps to dealing with criticism

It happened, AGAIN!

It happens to me from time to time, but as my kids get older, it's beginning to happen to them as well. 

 

"Well, don't your friends go to school? 

 Do YOU think you'd like to go to school with your friends?"

Generally speaking, my family has a good deal of support for our decision to homeschool.

But on occasion, we have to contend with TROLLS.

You know, like the TROLL on Dora the Explorer.  They think they hold the key to everything. 

They feel the need to ask questions and if you answer correctly, as determined by them,

you may pass over the bridge they do not own but over which they have established themselves guard.

These trolls have the ability to contort their faces in such a way that  it stirs up crazy thoughts and emotions in those poor souls, the target of their full frontal facial assault.

Like this.

And UGH!  The condescending, falsely empathetic (for the poor child to be so wrongly and needlessly subjected to homeschooling), smug, condensed anti-homeschool, anti-social, misguided parent harangue. 

So concentrated.  So potent.

They can convey it all in 20 words or less.

No top hat.  No purple velvet.

Just the look and a

"Do you think you'll always homeschool? 

Or do you think someday they might go to school with their friends?"

So.  Thank goodness it's September.  I hit the Dunkin Donuts drive thru for a Pumpkin coffee.

(I've been anticipating for months)

I granted myself permission to be a little SNARKY. 

 (I've met me.  I couldn't have prevented it even if I had wanted to)

And now, DEEP THOUGHTS, by Jen

1.  At least consider that your TROLL might have a point:   Stings a little, doesn't it?  But listen, this could be a gift.  If we are walking in freedom and we truly trust God with our schooling choices, we will not have a fear response to at least hearing criticism.  If we fully embrace the Gospel and the forgiveness it offers, we won't be afraid to look full in the face the possibility that we may have damaged our kids or will damage our kids if we we are not purely motivated with our schooling choice and have made or are currently making a huge mistake.  He's the Redeemer.  This ought to result in courage for us to look at truth, no matter who points it out and no matter what their motive is.  A defensive response may just reveal fear or self-righteousness.  Just keepin' it real.  Besides, shouldn't we want to know if our kid is lonely?  Socially awkward?  I mean, other than normal, middle/high school type socially awkward.  Maybe some of us are over sheltering.  Maybe our kid is more than 'healthy' weird.  Wouldn't you want to know that?  While there is still time to do something about it?

Proverbs 15:12  A scoffer does not love one who corrects him, nor will he go to the wise. AND

Proverbs 15:31-33  The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise.  He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding......And before honor is humility.

Plus:  Some people should NOT homeschool.  It's true.  Since I do homeschool, it's important for me to be honest if I am really on the list of those that should NOT be homeschooling.

2.  My TROLL either loves me, likes me, doesn't know me or can't stand me.  We should regularly be re-evaluating our relationships.  In fact, the bible instructs us to judge them.  Yes, judge.  If we are instructed to receive 'wise counsel' don't we need to be able to judge which of our friends has the ability to discern truth and dispense wise counsel?   Someone is not wise because they love me.  Someone is not unwise if they don't.  Motivation is a separate issue from truth.  In fact, someone's like or love for me can get in the way of their ability to see or say the truth.  If my counsel has a 'dog in the hunt' with regard to my homeschooling decision, um, I need to make an adjustment to the credibility rating if they don't confess it right at the start.  What if my advice giver  doesn't want me to homeschool so that I'm available for shopping and coffee with the girls until 2 pm?  That's gonna slant their advice.  What if my troll can't stand me or my kids?  What if it's because they're quietly jealous of my relationship with my kids?  The point is, check motivation before evaluating truth.  They are 2 separate issues.  Sometimes those closest people to me won't risk telling the truth out of the fear of losing the relationship.  What if someone encourages me to homeschool because they want me to think that they are a great encourager?  Good grief, what if all this talk about homeschooling really isn't about me or homeschooling?  But rather them fighting off some personal conviction of their own? 

A close, wise friend will take the log out of their own eye, then come talk to me about a speck in mine. 

"You know Jen, I've been a little jealous in the past about how close you are with your kids and was even angry because we can't afford for me not work and stay home and homeschool.  I guess I was kind of using that as an excuse for not having the time to devote to cultivating my relationship with my own kids.  But, I've taken responsibility and now I have date days with my kids and things are getting better.  Having worked through that, I still feel convicted that I'm right about your kid being a little weird and maybe he needs more friends :)"

But for goodness sake, don't discount the fact that truth can even come from Balaam's donkey.  Don't just listen to what you want to hear. 

Proverbs 21:2  Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts.

Proverbs 15:14  The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness.  AND

 Proverbs 15:21  Folly is joy to him who is destitute of discernment, but a man of understanding walks uprightly.

3.  We don't have to agree.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend.   Flattery and ear tickling is not evidence of love and friendship.  In fact, it could be evidence of an enemy.  Truth telling that hurts our feelings may feel like an enemy, when in fact, it could very well be courageous love.  Ugh!  Feelings.  Can't live with 'em, wouldn't want to live without them.  True, mature love gives the freedom to disagree.  In fact, it allows the freedom for a loved one to be deaf, daft, silly and stupid.  (Prodigal anyone?)  Maybe they care a great deal for you and your family.  And maybe they don't know how to express their concerns constructively.  And/or maybe we don't always hear the concerns of others as a constructive expression of love and we become defensive.  Or worse, we reject them because we don't like what they're saying.  The ability to live freely with one another in disagreement without threatening the safety of the relationship is a great expression of love and maturity.  If you're only friends with those that agree with you, start back at step one above.

 So, I've finished my pumpkin coffee.

And my Troll is no longer a Troll in my own mind.

This morning, an acquaintance expressed her love and concern for me and my daughter.

Clearly, she values childhood friendships.  Isn't that a wonderful thing?

She's concerned that if my daughter is not in school, that she may miss out on wonderful childhood memories and friendships.

And she wasn't afraid to express her concern.

That we could all have such friends.

She's a busy woman and has never had reason nor time to research the data on homeschool socialization success or failure. 

If she did, she would find out what I already know.

I just thanked her sincerely this morning for her love and concern for my family.

But I can't write any longer....I have to feed the kids, get to our 2 hours of community service working with about 17 elementary kids helping them with their homework and doing art together...then we're off to a playdate for about 2 hours....then it's dinner really quickly before we're off to an hour and a half of scouts with some our kid's closest friends :) 

Jen

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