Wednesday, July 11, 2012

If Momma Ain't Happy....?????

                               If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy! - motherhood sign

We southern folk sure do love a snappy little saying, shellac-ed onto a piece of a cheap pine and tied up nice and pretty with a little gingham ribbon.  Heck, when we get a hold of a piece of advice like 'If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch', we'll silk screen it on a t-shirt, beer mug or bumper sticker.  And some are so kitch down here in the way south, they think a toilet seat emblazoned with 'if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie' makes an attractive and appropriate piece of powder room art.  But this one about Mama not being happy, well, it's just plain not right.

When I see this saying on a plaque or coffee mug, you know like in one of the tourist-y truck stop Shell station convenience stores outside Gainesville or at any Cracker Barrel, I can't help but visualize a dentally challenged woman in her early 30's with a haphazard arrangement of pink foam rollers all clingin' for dear life on  clumps of mousy brown hair.  Invariably, she's  chasing her younguns around the trailer park with a broom amid a fog of smoke from a Camel Light.  I don't watch Jerry Springer, but if I were a bettin' woman, I'd say he's had a guest to two that thought this a valid parenting strategy.  But it really does play out in the family, in business environments, community and yes, even church. 

One of the hallmarks of a mature person is that they are able to exercise self control.  Another, is that they are able to accept responsibility for their own attitudes, beliefs and behaviors and not expect someone else to be responsible for them.  Not other people.  Not God.   If Mama isn't happy, well maybe  that's Mama's problem.  And maybe she needs to figure out what's behind her unhappiness. 

Is it possible Mama doesn't have her priorities in order?  God first, husband second, children third, extended and church families fourth, and everything else has to get in line behind these things if there's even room at all, depending on your season of life.  God, in his grace, gave us these priorities to protect us from ourselves.  We are finite creatures and while some of us may have a higher capacity for multitasking than others, we each have a point where it is too much activity to be good at anything of them.  God, hubby and kids should not be getting 'left over time' behind PTA meetings and do gooder cupcakes parties.  Our primary, and maybe even in some seasons, our only ministry, should be to them.  But if you believe this and Mama's still stripped down and stressed out when it comes to first priorities and limiting commitments, maybe the bigger problem is knowing how to say NO!  And maybe behind that is insecurity and guilt. 

You ever gotten one of those looks from the volunteer co-ordinator at Wednesday night church?  The kid's soccer coach?  The homeroom mom?  Your internal dialog kicks into high gear about 'it's a good cause', 'somebody's gotta do it', 'it's probably my turn', 'don't be so selfish.'  Maybe you can't stand the look or the thought of not being included, or the thought that some of the other tired, overextended moms might not be able to take a break if you don't jump in and save them from their over extended selves, and maybe they'll talk about you.  Maybe. Lets say it all comes true.  You become the target of much malicious gossip because you won't compromise your first priorities and they feel angry because you won't give them the excuse they think they need to give themselves permission for their lives to stop being over extended.  What if that makes them your 'Mama', and she ain't happy.  How does that have anything to do with you?  And why do we, over and over again, give that power over us to compromise our first priorities?

Sometimes, we'll try to make our husbands responsible for our inability or unwillingness to say NO.  It can lead to arguments about how much help you feel you need, particularly with the home and kids vs how much help he objectively should be giving.  There ideally will be an equitable division of labor, but considering his job outside the home for a fee, and a your job as homeschool Mom and family manager, it's important that all other opportunities be weighed and measured and agreed upon before a commitment should be made.  It's kind of like McDonalds.  In my experience, they have the whole breakfast drive through thing down to a science.  But if they started adding omelets and frappe latte mochacchinos at a drive through barrista bar, it's gonna start making the 'on their way to work' crowd a little impatient and seek 'nourishment', if you can see McD's breakfast as sustenance, somewhere else.  The answer then would be to 86 the omlets and maybe move the barrista inside and make it a self serve option beside the Coke dispenser.  But calling the manager of the Burger King across the street and demanding he send 2 of his employees over to help with the omlet making, since their drive thru's not as busy, well, that's ludicrous.  Bottom line:  If you're over scheduled, quit if you possibly can with an apology that your willingness to serve outran your ability to do so without having a negative effect on your family. If not, finish and make different choices next time.  Failing to execute these difficult remedies could lead to one stressed out, not so 'happy' Mama.

When we try to blame our husbands, we'll get some push back, unless he's a pushover.  And for that, we should be grateful.  For the push back that is.  When we try to share the blame for our overextendedness with our kids, the push back may not be so obviously identified as push back.  It can be mistaken as bad behavior.  Older kids can get angry and resentful that Mom is suddenly behind on laundry, meals seem to, more often than not, involve sandwich bread or microwaves, appointments are forgotten, Mom's not as available physically and/or emotionally and that kind of thing.  They may have some issues they need to talk to Mom about, but because she's stressed out, they don't feel free to sit down and work it out.  Kids who don't have much practice articulating their concerns may just stomp feet, slam doors and grunt.  Mom can become resentful that they're not helping more around the house and taking more responsibility.  Now there's reactionary anger and resentment swirling around the abode and careful now, being blamed on teenage hormones?!

I have not had my own teenager yet, although I'm on the precipice,  and I concede that I may be wrong.  But I have worked with alot of teenagers and their parents and I have seen alot of blame placed on teenage hormones.  And maybe they are a beast.  I could totally eat these words some day.  I'll take a pic and post it.  But it just seems to me that maybe alot gets blamed on teen hormonal behavior that can just be chalked up to a failure to proactively communicate.  In scenarios like the one above, maybe Mom just flipped the script on the teenager without any discussion as to new expectations for his involvement in household responsibilities or proactively addressing any real or perceived concerns about how this would effect him.  Getting the kid's buy in on the new deal BEFORE it happens can go a long way in heading off turmoil.  How hopeless it must feel that Mom made a decision that impacted the kid, without any concern for the impact it would have.  They can feel disrespected and not appreciated for having input on how the flow of the household schedule is to work out.  The teenage years are, in part, a time to practice the fine arts of balancing the needs and desires of all family members, demonstrating respect and compromise.  Proactive communication is key.

Little boos are in a more helpless position.  A three year old cannot all the sudden be expected to not drop food on the floor, make it to the potty 100% of the time and not be fascinating by flushing crayons down the toilet.  Moms need to budget extra patience calories for this period of life.  Three year olds are supposed to do these things and we Moms are supposed to encourage curiosity, teach lessons and coach boundaries.  It takes time!  And patience!



  Of course, sometimes we try to make God responsible, just like our mother Eve.  You know the Philippian prayer Christian moms try to throw at this one....I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength I need.  Then we get that little tickle in our pride about how like Mother Theresa we are.  We join our hearts with all the spiritual martyrs throughout the ages.  Then, in desperation, we pass a juice box to the crying kid in the back seat of the minivan.  We find that 'all things' prayer apparently stopped just shy of providing the patience necessary to cover the explosive response brewing when crying kid squeezes the juice box at the exact moment he stabs it with the straw.  What you should hear is the gentle whisper of God saying, "I never asked you to homeschool 4 kids, 2 in diapers, grind your own wheat, be team mom, Sunday school helper, nursery co-ordinator, whole foods expert, prayer chain captain and recycling champion all at the same time.  Quit praying that prayer as though I'm so supposed to rescue you when you're not content with what I have called you to do and you think you have to add more to please Me or because you don't understand what My Son meant when He said 'it's finished.'  I meant I'd give you the strength to do what I want you to do.  Some of that stuff is your idea." 

Instead, we hear the whisper  inside our head about how inadequate we are.  How if we just trusted God more.  Prayed more.  Got up earlier (ok, I myself have never heard that come from inside my head)  If we were better schedulers.  If we were more like 'that woman.'   Then we could really be good.  And wouldn't that  make God look good?  Truth is, I'm not 'that woman' and what God plans for my life has nothing to do with His plan for her.  Any condescending looks from her or thoughts from my own head have nothing to do with it either. 

In fact, one of the many, many things Christ accomplished on the cross was that we are free from those thoughts and feelings as a controlling force, and instead we are free to live only by the Spirit.  We seek to sooth those feelings with service.  It never fills.  It's a leaky bucket.  It's supposed to leak.  It's not Christ.  The leaky bucket can not be prayed away with a holy sounding Philippian prayer because God doesn't want to patch our leaky bucket solution.  He wants it to keep leaking so that we know something's wrong.  Sit a spell with Him, and have the courage to hear Him say, "I love you.  I have already saved the world.  I don't need your help.  Your ministry to your husband and family is what I have planned for you right now.  It's of eternal value to Me to allow you to minister to them on My behalf, and for My glory.  Trust Me for your guilt.  There is no condemnation for those that are in My Son."

So go ahead and take down the sign about Mama not being happy, so ain't nobody happy, because that dog won't hunt in this county anymore.  Nobody needs to rescue Mama from her own unhappiness.  Not her husband.  Not her kids.  Not God.  She's working it out and is choosing to lay hold of the peace and joy she's
already been given.  She's gonna get out of the way of herself.  Now, insert Philippian prayer HERE. 





4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Oh my word. Oh my word. I am nearly, not quite, speechless. Jen, this is inspired. I have been in a bit of a funk today. I am here, in Houston, leaving on Monday. Not a lot of time to get into a project, ya know? Something that would make me feel useful. I mean, all I'm doing here is playing UNO, calming a Math-induced meltdown from Maddy the Perfectionist, curtailing ugly talk before it escalates, doing laundry, conducting Mommy Bootcamp, navigating American Girl website, checking out ebooks from the library, going to the Aquarium, do Bible devotions, walking/jogging in the park, going to Target, nursing blisters, teaching my girls to set long term and short term goals, painting toenails, trying to write two in-progress blog posts, meeting friends at the pool, yadda yadda. That's it! *grins* Nothing earth shattering! I have done nothing that would make a compelling blog post or be worth calling a friend to share!
    I am not 'unhappy' and I don't need a shirt or a plaque, but I am SURE in the place of needing to take my thoughts captive!
    Thank you, Thank you, for this post and for telling it to me straight! Just what I needed. I think I may print it. :)
    Love you, and I love Jesus in you.

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  3. I had to delete the first one---grammatical error! :)

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  4. I love you back and we both know TX needs some Jesus and you're just the gal for the job, just lovin' large like you do :)

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