Become a Strong Willed Child Whisperer

I have a strong willed child and she's amazing.  And frustrating.  She can smell weakness a mile away and she has no mercy bone, unless she wants something.  Then she's fake sweet.  Or real sweet.  Sometimes it's hard to tell.  She's dramatic and she takes prisoners and she doesn't back down from a fight.  Knowing that is the key to dealing with a strong willed kid. 

I remember hearing a story once about a man who bought a wild horse that everyone predicted was too strong willed to be tamed.  As the story goes, he had sufficient discretionary funds to employ the services of several reputable horse trainers in succession, all of which attempted and failed to bring this animal into submission.  A typical technique of horse training is to convince the animal that the rider is dominant and that the animal is to be submissive.  Think whips and spurs.  This method does work in many cases, especially with mild, even tempered, cooperative beasts.  But some animals are just not content to be herded and fed.  Some are spirited and dominant.  Not entirely confident, but having few options left, the horse owner employed the services of a quadriplegic Native American man to make one last attempt.  The 'horse gentler' as he was called, was placed in the corral with the horse.  For hours the man sat motionless in his wheelchair, head down, never looking the horse in the eye.  After that time, the man maneuvered his wheelchair around beside the animal, eyes down, leaning his head against the horse's side.  After this, the horse allowed a rider to perform the same ritual then mount and ride around the corral.  They had placed the boundaries of the corral fence around the creature, then waited for the animal to get past his own determination to resist which ultimately allowed him to trust because he never felt provoked or threatened.
Hearing this story changed the way I related to my strong willed child. 

With my oldest son, I always knelt down and looked him straight in the eye to communicate my expectations or corrections about behavior.  We had always experienced intimacy and care through that type of communication.  Looking my daughter in the eye seemed to agitate her.  I recognized her focus was divided and all she seemed to want to do was to fight.  It was literally as though she was so preoccupied with her instinct to fight, that she couldn't focus on what I was saying, even if she wanted to.  So one evening, I sent her to her room for some infraction, I don't even remember what it was.  I do remember that there was much verbal protest, a slammed door, nasty comments about hating her life, and all that kind of thing.  I waited about 5 minutes, knocked gently, slipped into her room and sat on the floor just inside the door with my head down and said nothing.  She went on and on about 'it's not fair' and things like that.  I sat motionless and quiet.  It didn't take very long for her curiosity to override her anger, and after she was quiet, I patted the floor beside me, inviting her to sit.   We just sat quietly beside one another, not making eye contact.  I was determined to not speak first.  There were no lectures about her behavior, she already knew it was wrong.  There was no reason to remind her of my authority as her mom, she knew that too.  Both a lecture and a reminder would have insulted her intelligence and thus provoked her to fight.  So I just let the conviction of 'wrongness' fill the air.  I sat quietly beside her, non verbally communicating my constancy in loving her despite her behavior.   I allowed the solemness of my demeanor and facial expression to non-verbally communicate my sadness at her predicament and the fact that my authority was in no way threatened by her behavior.  I knew that she could feel the empathy I had for her in her own struggle with her own behavior.  In other words, I let the ownership of the problem remain indisputably hers.  I stayed completely out of the way of the mirror placed before her by her conscience.  I stood beside her as a fellow sinner non verbally communicating that I'm not afraid of the reflection and helping her to have the courage to look at it full on.  This sense of safety decreased her primal need to fight.  Feeling safe, she gave herself permission to be humble and vulnerable enough to let conviction come. 

She spoke first.  "Mom, I know it's wrong, it's just so hard for me, I just get so mad."  She literally crumbled into a heap in my lap, sobbing.  I stroked her hair and said, "Baby, have you met me?  I totally get it.  I may not have invented the strong will, but I'm a pretty good advertisement."  We both laughed. 

We were able to sit side by side and discuss some of the strategies I've used in my own battle against the unpleasant consequences of my own strong will.  We were also able to discuss the wonderful things that God can do with strong willed people and that it is a very wonderful character attribute when we control it, and it doesn't control us.  In this case, I never allowed her the opportunity to fight or presented the need to.  I never made her feel threatened or judged.  I never allowed her to press my buttons to the point her behavior had a negative influence on mine, giving her a sense of inappropriate power over me. 

I'm thankful that I tried this with success while she was still very young.  A strong willed parent and child who get locked in a vicious cycle of trying to out power one another can totally upset the balance of a household and wreak havoc on a family, especially in the teen years. I've known some families who have been run off the track by this dance.  It's never too late.  Humility. Apologies.  New day. New dance.

Strong willed kids aren't wrong.  Strong willed people fight the good fights as adults.  They defend the weak, plow the way.  It's not something to squash with authoritarian parenting, guilt, shame, verbal abuse, etc.  It's something to be appreciated and mastered for God's glory.  He has plans for your child's strong will.  As a parent, we need to stay out of the way of the mirror by not getting sucked into power struggles they can't resist fighting.  Stand beside them with grace, infusing them with confidence and courage to look at the reflection and fight the good fight mastering their will for God's use and glory.