Deut 32:39 See now that I, even I, am He, and there is no God beside me; I kill and I make alive; I wound and I heal; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand.
Most of the time I see this verse as an awesome declaration to the sovereign power of a Most High God. After a "the great trial" of my life, I saw the this verse making the same declaration, but I felt differently about it. It was not a source of security, but something very heady to wrestle. Not me only. The christian book stores are replete with titles that ask the same question. Why would a good God...? Why does God allow...? I reminded myself of Job, frequently. It's a paradoxical quagmire. I want to be the center of God's attention. His love. His hand on my life in such a way that I know I'm growing in conformity to the image of His son. Can't that happen in bible study? Small group? A wise piece of encouragement from a respected mentor? That doesn't hurt. In fact, there's generally coffee involved. I like coffee. I'm listening...and praying...and contemplating. I have coffee saturated head knowledge. But growth is minute, and theoretical. It might make me feel knowledgeable, important, puffed up. I think I tend to like that. But what plugs the head into the heart is experience. The full gamut.
The downside of being the center of God's attention is that His focus in not on our comfort, but on our conformity. He allows no idolatry, no adulterous behavior by His beloved. What shakes us loose is not a whisper. The walls we've built are on a faulty foundation. Bible study chewing gum will not plug the cracks in the walls. The Architect knows the only solution is to bring us down to the foundation, fix it on His firm rock, and rebuild it in Truth. That's loving, right? How can my head know this is for my best and His glory, and yet, it feels as though He has maliciously and unmercifully cut me straight through the heart. I understand the declaration of the unbeliever, "I could never believe in a god that would...." I understand why they would concoct a god that sprinkles gumdrops and rainbows over orphaned children and approve every sin I commit because 'my heart was in the right place'. A god like that is a comfortable version of what I would be like if I were God. Fuzzy slippers, warm milk and a bedtime story for the world. No boogie men. No hurt feelings. Always sharing, always encouraging, always trusting, and truth telling and taking care and protecting and, and.....I think He was that.
Wasn't that in Genesis, you know, before we messed it up? Ok, we messed it up, but Christ came to die, to forgive us. I think most christians like to limit the gospel to the salvation message. We were bad, He's good, came to die, we're forgiven.....big dinner party in heaven. We like to go to church and sing about salvation. Listen to salvation sermons and get a list of what we need to do better. Then we like to go out and tell everyone about our God who saves and the bible, you know, the part with the list of what we can try to do better. A God who forgives if we repeatedly do something we shouldn't....grace, that's it, grace. The one other theological term that makes us feel comfortable. But again, what if it's not about being comfortable? What if there's something between salvation and the big meal in heaven. What if it hurts....on purpose? "I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one," Jesus asked of His Father. Did God keep Job from the evil one? This is not pleasant. God's the one who brought Job up in the conversation. "Hey Satan, have you noticed my servant Job? How he loves Me? How he serves Me?" How come we're still talking about him all these years later? Could it be that he was born just for the purpose of God demonstrating His power over the evil one? How about Pharaoh? Was it his express purpose in life to oppose God, that God might show Himself strong to a nation of His beloved, and to a pagan nation watching? Does the clay ask the Potter to be made a vessel of honor and not a vessel of dishonor, or does the Potter chose who will be the challis and who will be the chamber pot? Is it right? Is it fair? Is it what I would do if I were God?
How many times, in looking at our circumstances, have we taken our eyes off of Him, the Author and Perfector of our faith? We lose focus. The page starts arguing with the Author about what He's trying to write. The patient keeps arguing with the surgeon about how much pain should be involved in cutting out the cancer. If perfection in Christ is the goal, why do we grumble about His methods. If we were convinced that we were a patient in desperate need of healing, we would lay back in faith, trusting His hands are precise and strong, and that He is willing to cut as deeply and as widely as necessary to remove the death that seeks to consume us. He cuts because He is not afraid. He knows how big He is. He also heals. He binds up the brokenhearted....and in anther place, when our temporary but necessary suffering is over, He will quiet us and strengthen us. Laying on the Surgeon's table, trusting His scalpel to do it's sanctifying work, knowing that we are in the hands of the Most High....that's worship. That's the gospel lived out. That's a God that nonbelievers will be curious about.
Just like for Job, our trials our carefully chosen and metered, our tears collected, our faith encouraged, strength provided. Consider it all joy, my brethren, WHEN you encounter trials of various kinds, knowing that the TESTING OF YOUR FAITH produces PATIENCE. And let that patience have it's perfect work, that YOU MAY BE PERFECT and COMPLETE, LACKING NO GOOD THING.
To be known by Him, and to know that we know. The paradox is that He cuts deeply those He loves greatly. Crawl in His lap. Patience. Healing and growth will come. I have confidence in you, because I know what He's done in me.
