How do you solve a problem like Maria?

I've always been strong willed.  It's not always been appreciated.  In fact, there have been times in my life when other people have felt that this quality was so undesirable in me, that I must be changed or stamped out (or something similar.)   There have been times when they reacted to me as though I was some kind of threat to them  There have been times in my life where I felt like they were right.  I remember a few years back asking God if the goal of maturing in Christ meant that I would start wearing white button up  cardigans with long floral skirts and Hush Puppy sandals, speak softly and develop the gift of intercessory prayer.  It does seem that those lovely women are valued in the Christian community as being Godly. They're polite, cooperative and non-threatening.  They're lovely.  I'd rather be dangerous. 

I loved Maria VonTrapp, you know, Sound of Music Maria.  She drove the nuns nuts.  (insert chuckle here)  The kids sure loved her, though.  Denying them playclothes was wrong and she hated that more than she loved curtains.  Father wasn't happy.  He was kind of accustomed to getting his way and very unaccustomed to having his authority 'challenged.'  Isn't that the way most people look at strong willed personalities?  A form of rebellion.  A constant penchant for challenging authority.  If you have a strong willed kid, you may frequently feel exhausted by having 90% of what you say questioned or challenged.  For me, when I watch Maria, I don't think it much entered her mind that she was challenging Captain VonTrapp.  Strong willed people have an acute sense of right and wrong.  We are driven to distraction by the rightness of an action.  The children have a need, the curtains are a waste and I have sewing skills.  It's pretty reasonable.  Make sense?

I know, some people would say strong wills have a problem with submitting to authority.  I don't think that's necessarily true.  Maria was willing to submit to using the dog whistle for the children, just not herself.  But not without pointing out that it was demeaning and hypocritical by inquiring as to what Capt. VonTrapp's dog whistle call sign was.  Remember the appalled look?  That was hypocrite confirmation.  If your strong willed kid asks alot of questions, maybe it's not a stand against your authority as much as it could be that what you're asking doesn't make sense.  At least not to them  Or at least it warrants further explanation.  I don't mean that you allow them to be disrespectful or contentious. But maybe they just need more information so that they can become convinced in their own mind of the rightness of what you're asking.  That's not wrong.  Actually, that should be a priority of your parenting and a measure of whether or not you're doing a good job.  A young adult needs to launch from your home knowing what he values and having an internal well thought out and tested list of rights and wrongs.  If you've trained your children to look externally for some authority figure to determine for them what is right and wrong, you're in trouble Christian parent when they hit freshman year biology at the state university.  That college professor may become a substitute moral authority for your child who you thought you taught well, but never allowed him to decide what he believed for himself.  (For more on this topic, here's a great article http://blog.growingleaders.com/remember-the-fences/)   If what you're asking is right and valid, your strong willed kid will aquiese.  It's not YOU they want to stand against, it's unreasonableness, hypocriticalness, thoughtlessness, selfishness and wrongness.  That's probably not a word. 


How do you solve a problem like Maria?  You don't.  Being stong willed is not a problem.  It's more likely, dear parent,  that the problem is not knowing how Maria operates and not knowing how to relate, which results in frustration, which comes out as anger.  Unresolved anger rots into bitterness.  Maybe it's been a challenge to appreciate Maria and it's seems scary.  Most likely, the biggest problem that needs to be solved is making sure there's enough time allotted to Maria to work through the Maria-ness.  To help her process.   Maria is so truth oriented she doesn't even need you to solve legitimate problems.  She just might need your help defining what those problems are.  Take a deep breath, remember you're the parent, start back at square one:  http://homeschoolingnhighheels.blogspot.com/search/label/Strong%20willed%20child